The Lizard Brain

So a few people have asked me "What's with the Lizard Brain"? and I've decided it's time to explain.

The short answer as described by my friend Ms. Lane: For our intents and purposes, it is that b!tch part of your brain that says "you can't do it - go sit on the couch instead"

The long answer is also from Ms. Lane. See we were on a walk about beautiful Lake Harriet when I started talking to her about how I was dissatisfied with my body image. I was describing how I've slowly realized that I've let myself go. I was no longer confident, let alone healthy. I also told her that I just haven't found a motivating factor to jump start my workouts or healthy eating.

She kind of giggled at me (her giggle makes me giggle, and then we get yelled at for being loud and it's back to the basement for us, but I digress). Then she said, "You're listening to your Lizard Brain too much." I said, "wha?" Then she explained:

See back in the day dinosaurs were so large that they had to have two brains. One controlled the top half of their bodies, and the other one controlled the bottom half. And as dinosaurs evolved they had less and less need for the second brain. Turns out lizards today still have an area near their tail where their old brain used to grow. This is the brain that keeps them down. The Lizard Butt Brain that says, "Meh, you don't need to take care of yourself", or "Dude, don't go for a walk, just sit on the couch", or "Go ahead, eat the whole entire pizza!".

The Lizard Butt Brain, or Lizard Brain, or Lizard, or LB for short, is that part of you that says "You can't". But you CAN! And all you have to do is kick the Lizard Butt Brain to the curb. Go ahead, give it a kick. It feels good!!!

Every Day

Every day is a chance to improve or make a change. It could even be said that every moment during the day is a chance to improve or make a change. Every time I have to make a choice, I have the opportunity to improve who I am.

I talk about change right now because I'm feeling overwhelmed. If I were to be completely honest, I would say I'm feeling overwhelmed and fat. I can't believe how many poor choices I've made over the last year that have caused me to gain the amount of weight I have gained. I can't believe how much I've let myself go. I chose to indulge in tasty treats, relaxing ways, and over abundance of vino!

But every day, every moment I have an opportunity to change. I have a chance to get myself back to a healthy weight. Healthy to me is also attractive. So my need to lose weight is two-fold: 1 to be healthy, and 2 to have confidence in my looks again.

So I try to make multiple choices throughout the day that will bring me to a better weight. I try to remind myself that I am my own worst critic, but I also get to control myself. Each choice can lead me down a healthy, happy path.

It IS better with a boa

Even Big 10 football players know it's better with a boa. The Hawkeyes are 7-0 on the season, and are kicking some serious butt.

See those two hot chicks in this picture? THEY are wearing boas. THEIR team wins! Duh!

I'm a big kid now

Last week I found a sock. I found this sock under a bed. This bed is in our guest room, and the sock was a white bootie with a pink toe and heel. I knew immediately that the sock belongs to my sister. For those of you who know me well, know that my older sister is one of my closest friends. And for those of you who know both of us, know that she moved into our home earlier this year to separate from her husband.

I'll cut to the chase and tell you that her separation story has a happy ending. She and my brother in law are doing great back in their own home. As I like to tell people who ask how they are doing, "They are fighting like normal people do." Her story of this journey can be found on her blog (specifically during March and April).

But my story of this sock is a little different. I saw this sock, and was hit with a wave of memories. Memories full of tears, memories full of laughter. See the sock was a reminder that my sister came to me when she was in desperate need of support. She looked to her little sister to be a shoulder to cry on, a voice of reason, and comic relief. And during the time that she stayed with us I was forced to grow up quickly.

There have been other times during my life that I was forced to grow up quickly. Seeing the lone sock under the bed reminded me of some of those times:

• Like the time that I was 11 years old and my sister was in a car accident. I was brought to the funeral home to help pick out a coffin for my stillborn niece. Grew up fast there.
• Or what about the time I wrote a letter to my 8th grade English teacher about how awful my mom was to me. My teacher ignored my cry for help and I was forced to grow up and deal with my mom on my own. Grew up fast again.
• There was also a time that I finally had enough courage to state an emotional boundary to my parents and I let them know that I no longer wanted a relationship with my mom. It took courage to look at my Dad and let him know that I wanted her out of my life, but that I still wanted to build a relationship with him. I grew up so fast when his response was "It's either both of us or nothing."

The sock reminded me of a lot of things. Most of all it reminded me that I'm not the little girl I once was. Instead, I'm a woman... still growing up.

Sometimes I forget

Sometimes my life is going so well, and my emotions are so level that I forget I am bi-polar. Sometimes I forget that I'm a raging rollercoaster, and I can snap with nearly no warning.

Then there are times like last night, when I see things that remind me just how brittle my emotions can be. Watching the season premier of House last night made me remember that I've been there.

I've been the one who wasn't allowed sharp scissors during arts and crafts because they were a hazard to my (and other's) health. I've been the one who slept in that hospital bed, with her little booties and standard hospital pajamas. I've been the one who hit rock bottom for no apparent reason.

Sometimes I forget. Then I remember. And sometimes remembering hurts.

Being on the fence

I hate being on the fence. I hate the feeling of knowing the pros and cons of both sides of an issue, and not being able to firmly agree with ONE side. The unsettling feeling of being unsure is horrible.

And so, when it comes to the topic of Brian and I becoming parents, we are... on the fence! There are definite reasons that we do not want to be parents. Unfortunately, there are also definite reasons we do want to be parents. My anxiety stems from the fact that neither side is extremely compelling. Sure, our lives as we know them would change drastically. And of course most of our relationships (including our marriage) would change as well. But to quote my sister, "change is not the enemy". Really, it's not terrible.

I am glad that in regards to this whole topic, Brian and I are on the same page. We both agree that there are plenty of reasons on both the "to have" and "not to have" sides of this issue. And we agree on what those reasons are too. He hit the nail on the head when he said, "It's just that things are easier when they just happen, not when you have to anticipate it constantly." Well said my hot hubby, well said.

On the fence sucks. But I'm happy to be on the same fence with my awesome, sweet, hot husband.

When the going gets tough...

It's been a few weeks since I've thrown my thoughts and feelings out into cyber space. I've been a little reserved when it comes to baring my soul. I guess it's because it was hard enough to admit to myself that I wasn't feeling quite "right", let alone admit it to the interwebs.

But it's true, I have been on the down cycle of my emotions over the last month or so. What started as being in a rut, turned into me being depressed. I forgot to tap into my support system, and let everything that was bothering me grow into a mean and messy monster of emotions. My husband and I became disconnected, and I began secluding myself from having any sort of deep conversation.

I avoided opening up at all costs, and learned to put on a show of functionality. This show didn't last long because I am not someone who deals well with things on my own. It's easier for me to figure things out if I lean on others, and talk things through. Eventually I was confronted by some caring friends, and I had to answer the question, "Are you alright?"

I wasn't alright. I wasn't even fine. I was terrible, lost, lonely, and scared. I had to ask for what I needed most. And asking for emotional support is not easy for me. Looking at someone and admitting I need help takes a lot of courage. To some, it comes easy. But to me, it's painful.

"Things" are better now. Not exactly all taken care of, but better. And every day that I don't hide my feelings from those who love me is a good day. I'm back on the cyber webs, putting myself out there!