Every Day

Every day is a chance to improve or make a change. It could even be said that every moment during the day is a chance to improve or make a change. Every time I have to make a choice, I have the opportunity to improve who I am.

I talk about change right now because I'm feeling overwhelmed. If I were to be completely honest, I would say I'm feeling overwhelmed and fat. I can't believe how many poor choices I've made over the last year that have caused me to gain the amount of weight I have gained. I can't believe how much I've let myself go. I chose to indulge in tasty treats, relaxing ways, and over abundance of vino!

But every day, every moment I have an opportunity to change. I have a chance to get myself back to a healthy weight. Healthy to me is also attractive. So my need to lose weight is two-fold: 1 to be healthy, and 2 to have confidence in my looks again.

So I try to make multiple choices throughout the day that will bring me to a better weight. I try to remind myself that I am my own worst critic, but I also get to control myself. Each choice can lead me down a healthy, happy path.

Sometimes I forget

Sometimes my life is going so well, and my emotions are so level that I forget I am bi-polar. Sometimes I forget that I'm a raging rollercoaster, and I can snap with nearly no warning.

Then there are times like last night, when I see things that remind me just how brittle my emotions can be. Watching the season premier of House last night made me remember that I've been there.

I've been the one who wasn't allowed sharp scissors during arts and crafts because they were a hazard to my (and other's) health. I've been the one who slept in that hospital bed, with her little booties and standard hospital pajamas. I've been the one who hit rock bottom for no apparent reason.

Sometimes I forget. Then I remember. And sometimes remembering hurts.

When the going gets tough...

It's been a few weeks since I've thrown my thoughts and feelings out into cyber space. I've been a little reserved when it comes to baring my soul. I guess it's because it was hard enough to admit to myself that I wasn't feeling quite "right", let alone admit it to the interwebs.

But it's true, I have been on the down cycle of my emotions over the last month or so. What started as being in a rut, turned into me being depressed. I forgot to tap into my support system, and let everything that was bothering me grow into a mean and messy monster of emotions. My husband and I became disconnected, and I began secluding myself from having any sort of deep conversation.

I avoided opening up at all costs, and learned to put on a show of functionality. This show didn't last long because I am not someone who deals well with things on my own. It's easier for me to figure things out if I lean on others, and talk things through. Eventually I was confronted by some caring friends, and I had to answer the question, "Are you alright?"

I wasn't alright. I wasn't even fine. I was terrible, lost, lonely, and scared. I had to ask for what I needed most. And asking for emotional support is not easy for me. Looking at someone and admitting I need help takes a lot of courage. To some, it comes easy. But to me, it's painful.

"Things" are better now. Not exactly all taken care of, but better. And every day that I don't hide my feelings from those who love me is a good day. I'm back on the cyber webs, putting myself out there!