Ready vs. Want

There is a difference between being "ready" for something, and "wanting" something. For example:

• I may want a promotion at work, but I may not be ready for it.
• At one point in my early 20's I wanted a nice house in S. Minneapolis to call my own, but I was definitely not ready for it.
• Most days I am ready to go for a run, but I often don't want to go.
• I may be ready to start attending Shabbat services at Temple Israel, but I don't want to start (this item is a whole OTHER blog post!)
• The lawn is ready to be mowed, but I don't want to mow it.

My point today is that I understand that I will never be ready to have kids, but that doesn't mean that I want them. I struggle quite a bit with my feelings towards having or not having kids.

I have very well meaning friends that assure me that there will never be a perfect time to make that leap. I know that the timing will never be perfect. They also tell me that it will be "different" when the kids are my own. The problem with that kind of encouragement is that I actually like kids. I like babies, toddlers, pre-teens... sometimes I even like the moody teenagers!

Hot Hubby and I talk about having kids (or not) a lot. The issue we have isn't whether or not we are ready for kids. The issue is whether or not we want kids.

The Final Countdown

April 15th is in 8 days. 8 calendar days. One week, and one day.

What does this matter you ask? Let me tell you:

• Brian will go back to working 40 hours a week instead of the 75+ hours he's working now.
• I will feel more loved, less crazy, and happier.
• Our phone conversations will no longer end with "So it's going to be a late night?" "Uh, yeah."
• Rascal will no longer sit at the top of the stairs waiting for his Daddy to come home.
• We will no longer have a scheduled Date Night (This may or may not be a good thing?!)
• I will sleep through the night without waking every 45 minutes wondering about the "thumps" in the night.
• Our activities together will consist of more than just making dinner once a week.
• We will have time to work on "us".
• Tax Season will be O-V-E-R!!!!!!!!

So Suck it Tax Season Lizard. I'm nearly done with you!

Dear Self,

We need to have a chat.

I am incredibly happy that you had finally realized that your glutinous, lazy ways are not healthy. But I am NOT happy that you gave up so freaking easily. Seriously Self, seriously. What did you think would happen when you put forth a mediocre (at best) effort to work out? Did you think that you'd miraculously lose weight, even though you still ate like a queen and drank copious amounts wine? Did you think that doing 30 minutes of easy cardio 4 times a week was going to develop into a habit?

Uh, NOPE! You need to take yourself seriously. You need to truly care about that curvy, fun, lovable body of yours. You need to exercise AND eat healthy! It's not rocket-science here babe, it's simple. Do the things that are good for you, eat the things that are good for you.

Lizard or no lizard... you need to get healthy. I love you. I want you to be around for a long time. Self, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Love always,

Me

All in a Day's Work!

Sometimes I kick the Lizard on the eliptical machine in our Engineer's shop upstairs. The space is very industrial-like, but the Engineers also have their offices there. Today I finish kicking it, and am trying to sneak to the elevator without seeing anyone. BUT, our Chief Engineer sees me. The follow ensues.

Chief: "Lisa! Hey, could you help me with something on my computer?"
Lisa: (Mortified as I'm beet red, I stink, and I'm fairly certain that my shirt is soaked with the sweat dripping off my body) I sort of give him a funny look and say, "Uh, sure, I can help... if you need me right now".
Chief: "Yeah, yeah, that would be great!"

We then head to his desk where I help him with a non-emergency IT issue. But the whole time I'm thinking, "Really, this couldn't have waited even 20 minutes so I could go shower?!" Uff da!

Love Songs

Love songs are not always about a relationship between a boy and a girl. Sometimes they are about a father and a daughter. Sometimes they are about sisters. And sometimes they are about friends.

Keri Noble wrote and sings a song called "Watch Me Walk." It's on her self titled album (available at iTunes... shameless plug for a fan-freaking-tastic artist). This song brings me to tears. It's about a relationship that has ended, and she's walking away.

At first I related it to a broken marriage. I'd listen and think, "I never, ever want to feel the need or desire to walk away from my marriage." But as I listened more and more, I related it to the broken relationship between me and my parents. And as much as it sucks that they are not in my life anymore, I'm no longer being suffocated with lies, manipulation, or jealousy. I never wanted to walk away. It wasn't something I was excited to do, but in the end, it was the right thing to do.

I'm a firm believer in breaking ties from toxic relationships. I believe in a healthy mental and emotional life. Abuse sucks, whether it's physical or emotional. And if someone close to me needs to walk away from a relationship that is abusive, I will support that person.

It's not easy. But as Keri sings, "I'm alright with consequences, Better than these fences, Straddling the great unknown, and playing it safe".

I don't trust you

I don't trust you:

to do it as well as I will do it.

to take care of me like I want to be taken care of.

to be interested in me for the long haul.

to understand how I feel.

to always be there.

But:

you will do your best when I ask for your help.

you will take care of me the best that you can.

you will always want to hear me talk.

you will feel for me nonetheless.

you will always be there.

The Lizard Brain

So a few people have asked me "What's with the Lizard Brain"? and I've decided it's time to explain.

The short answer as described by my friend Ms. Lane: For our intents and purposes, it is that b!tch part of your brain that says "you can't do it - go sit on the couch instead"

The long answer is also from Ms. Lane. See we were on a walk about beautiful Lake Harriet when I started talking to her about how I was dissatisfied with my body image. I was describing how I've slowly realized that I've let myself go. I was no longer confident, let alone healthy. I also told her that I just haven't found a motivating factor to jump start my workouts or healthy eating.

She kind of giggled at me (her giggle makes me giggle, and then we get yelled at for being loud and it's back to the basement for us, but I digress). Then she said, "You're listening to your Lizard Brain too much." I said, "wha?" Then she explained:

See back in the day dinosaurs were so large that they had to have two brains. One controlled the top half of their bodies, and the other one controlled the bottom half. And as dinosaurs evolved they had less and less need for the second brain. Turns out lizards today still have an area near their tail where their old brain used to grow. This is the brain that keeps them down. The Lizard Butt Brain that says, "Meh, you don't need to take care of yourself", or "Dude, don't go for a walk, just sit on the couch", or "Go ahead, eat the whole entire pizza!".

The Lizard Butt Brain, or Lizard Brain, or Lizard, or LB for short, is that part of you that says "You can't". But you CAN! And all you have to do is kick the Lizard Butt Brain to the curb. Go ahead, give it a kick. It feels good!!!