Turns out...

I constantly learn things about myself. It's strange to say that considering I am me, and I should know who I am better than anyone else, right?! But it's true, it seems that nearly every day I learn something about myself.

Over the last couple of weeks I have learned two new things. Turns out that I A.) am a cheerleader and B.) enjoy walking.

A. I've played softball and volleyball for about as long as I can remember. I've never been exceptional at these two sports, but I've always enjoyed playing. I always give it my best, and my all.

But it turns out that I, Lisa Elizabeth McIntyre, am a CHEERLEADER!!! I LOVE cheering people on! I love the encouragement, the positive words, and the excitement. I love giving people I love the extra verbal boost they need.

I love making signs for people when they are competing in races. I love wearing feather boas and being excited. I love cheering!

B. Holy smokes, I hate running. It's exhausting, and sweaty, and nasty. But holy smokes, I LOVE walking! It's exhaustingly refreshing! It's an accomplished sweaty-ness! And it's a nasty addiction! I've only been power walking for about a week now, but I'm in love.

I especially love walking during the day. I love getting out of my stuffy office to get some sun on my face. I love breathing in the fresh air. I love cranking up the tunes and forgetting about my cube for a while. It's awesome!

I like learning about myself. And it turns out, I'm liking myself more and more as I get to know myself better.

Honesty: the best policy

Telling the truth can be easy, hard, scary, helpful, and sometimes it can even be healing. Tonight I was able to tell the truth about something that in the end made me feel very whole and a bit healed.

I was approached by an old family acquaintance tonight after playing a game of volleyball. As I was giving the quick "this is where my life has gone over the past 10 years" speech I could feel that one subject would be sure to come up. And it did. Below is the conversation we had. I'll call this woman Shelly for sake of anonymity.

Shelly: Well, it was nice to see you. Tell your mom I said, "Hi".

Me: oh, uh, okay.

Shelly: Oh, don't you talk to your mom?

Me: Uh, (and this is where I'm hit in the head with confidence) no. No, I don't talk to her.

Shelly: Oh, really?! Well, is she okay, are your parents still together?

Me: Yeah, I think so. I think they are still in Buffalo. I really don't have a relationship with them. I finally decided that enough was enough. It was too toxic.

Shelly: Oh. Hmm, well, how is your sister?

Me: Great! She and her husband are raising their 3 kids in Shakopee.

Shelly: Well, does she talk to your mom?

Me: No. Some terrible things have happened in recent years that caused us to make a break from that relationship. My mom has some mental issues, sicknesses that she doesn't address. She doesn't take care of herself, and is very toxic.

Shelly: Yeah! She and Suzy were always a couple of nutcases.

And this is where we move out of the subject and back into less heavy conversation. But it got me thinking about how good it felt to tell the truth. It was quite a weight lifted from my shoulders to not lie about my lack of relationship with my parents. And it felt even better to be open about why there isn't a relationship there. I don't have to lie to protect them. Her illness is not my fault, nor is it my responsibility.

It hasn't been, and isn't always, easy to not have my parents in my life. I miss my Dad at times. He and I were always close. I miss celebrating with him, and his advice.

And I certainly miss the mom I could have had. I miss the mother figure that would have been my friend and not my enemy. The mother who would have shared things with me, instead of selfishly ruining events. I miss the mother who wouldn't compete against me. I miss the mother who could have taught me life lessons on how to really love, and how to be a good friend. The mother who could answer any question I had about life, and one who would be proud of me. I miss something I never had.

But tonight it was healing for me to tell the truth. Tonight, honesty was by far the best policy.

My Security Blanket(s)

My sister and her family picked Brian and I up from the airport a week ago. I had been missing her so much, even though we both texted, called, and emailed the entire time I was away. We were in constant communication, but there was something about being gone that made my heart hurt.

A few days after being home I figured out what was making me hurt. I didn't have one of my oldest and most reliable security blankets with me on my trip. I figured out that my sister is my security net! I feel safe, warm, calm, and level headed when I know that she is near. My heart and mind are at ease when I know that if I really, really needed my sister all I'd have to do is pick up the phone and tell her to come be with me. And within 30 minutes of that phone call she'd be there.

It makes me feel at ease to know that she's only a phone call and 30 minutes away. I am comforted by the fact that she'd drop anything and she'd be with me. Now this isn't something that I test from time to time, because I'm not that sister who cries wolf. But I know it to be true because we both have done it for each other in the past.

Kimberly is just one of my security blankets. I also feel most calm when Brian is home with me. When we cook together and relax, I feel like I could take on anything. He is truly my rock, my other half, my soul mate. He calms me down, and excites me. He makes me laugh, and takes care of me when I cry. Brian is my slow and steady. He is my newest security blanket.

When my sister got out of her van to help us with our luggage I dropped my bags and ran to her arms. I squealed with delight and had tears in my eyes when I was in her embrace. Coming home felt so good. And I once again felt secure.