The Happy Face

Sometimes I have to put on my "happy face". Most times when I have to do this, I don't really like what I'm doing. I mean, really, if I have to put it on, then it's forced. I'm obviously not really happy if I'm just putting on that face.

My sister said that she's impressed with how well I put on my happy face. She says that people have been wrong all these years about me not having any patience. I guess in a way she's right. I am pretty good about going along with things because I know it makes people in my life happy. I don't usually go along with just anything though... usually if I'm putting up with something it's because I really truly care about the people I'm with at the time.

But sometimes putting on my happy face is draining. It can be overwhelming to be happy all the time, and to go with the flow. Sometimes I need to stick up for my own wants and desires. Sometimes this leads to crying like a big baby. And usually I feel better.

I guess the happy face is okay for a while. But reality needs to set in, and I need to be okay with my true emotions too.

My reasons for not wanting children... 6/15/09

(For the purpose of the blog post, the word "most" more or less = 9 out of 10)

Most days I don't want to have kids of my own. Most people look at me like I'm crazy when the subject of having kids comes up. Most people try to convince me that having kids is the most amazing thing I'll ever do in life. Most people think I'd be an "excellent mother". I have many reasons why I don't want to have kids.

Here is a list of them:

1. I'm freaking independent! Some days I'm amazed that I got married! It takes a lot of compromise to be married, and seriously I like things my way! I truly don't want to make decisions that have to account for more than myself, my husband, or our dog. It's enough already that they are involved in decision making. Case in point: my coworker doesn't want to go to an all expense paid Twins game because it's too close to his wife's due date. Ugh, I'd rather not consider due dates and baby sitters when it comes to making plans.
2. Kids never go away! You give birth to them and they are a part of your life FOREVER. Even the kids that can't stand you and they disown you. Case in point: Uh, hello... I know you think about us constantly! We are still a huge part of your life even though you are NOT a part of our lives!
3. I like spending my disposable income. Case in point: I like spending my disposable income so much that my brother in law has commented more than once that I am excellent at supporting economies! It's true, I like to spend money. I work for it, I'm going to spend it... on myself!!!
4. You can't put a baby in a cage and leave the house for 8 hours. Duh, even I know that!
5. I like drinking gin and juice until the wee hours of the morning. And I like playing Rockband with the TV volume turned up to 80.
6. I like my relationship with my husband just the way it is. I like that most days we are happy and blissful. But when we aren't blissful, it's down right nasty. I don't want a kid involved in that! And I also don't want to give it up. Sometimes I like to fight damn it!

I'll keep being the auntie. And I'll keep getting excited with each baby that is born into my life. And I will treasure those babies as they grow to be toddlers, kiddos, pre-teens, teenagers, young adults and hopefully adults.

Yes, a part of me does get sad that I'm not into the baby making scene. It's not that I'm sad I'm not having babies... it's that I'm sad that I don't want those things. It is what it is.

And you know what... tomorrow may be the 1 out of 10 days that I change my mind about not wanting babies and I'll want to be a mother. But for now, MOST days I don't want to have kids.