The Happy Face

Sometimes I have to put on my "happy face". Most times when I have to do this, I don't really like what I'm doing. I mean, really, if I have to put it on, then it's forced. I'm obviously not really happy if I'm just putting on that face.

My sister said that she's impressed with how well I put on my happy face. She says that people have been wrong all these years about me not having any patience. I guess in a way she's right. I am pretty good about going along with things because I know it makes people in my life happy. I don't usually go along with just anything though... usually if I'm putting up with something it's because I really truly care about the people I'm with at the time.

But sometimes putting on my happy face is draining. It can be overwhelming to be happy all the time, and to go with the flow. Sometimes I need to stick up for my own wants and desires. Sometimes this leads to crying like a big baby. And usually I feel better.

I guess the happy face is okay for a while. But reality needs to set in, and I need to be okay with my true emotions too.

My reasons for not wanting children... 6/15/09

(For the purpose of the blog post, the word "most" more or less = 9 out of 10)

Most days I don't want to have kids of my own. Most people look at me like I'm crazy when the subject of having kids comes up. Most people try to convince me that having kids is the most amazing thing I'll ever do in life. Most people think I'd be an "excellent mother". I have many reasons why I don't want to have kids.

Here is a list of them:

1. I'm freaking independent! Some days I'm amazed that I got married! It takes a lot of compromise to be married, and seriously I like things my way! I truly don't want to make decisions that have to account for more than myself, my husband, or our dog. It's enough already that they are involved in decision making. Case in point: my coworker doesn't want to go to an all expense paid Twins game because it's too close to his wife's due date. Ugh, I'd rather not consider due dates and baby sitters when it comes to making plans.
2. Kids never go away! You give birth to them and they are a part of your life FOREVER. Even the kids that can't stand you and they disown you. Case in point: Uh, hello... I know you think about us constantly! We are still a huge part of your life even though you are NOT a part of our lives!
3. I like spending my disposable income. Case in point: I like spending my disposable income so much that my brother in law has commented more than once that I am excellent at supporting economies! It's true, I like to spend money. I work for it, I'm going to spend it... on myself!!!
4. You can't put a baby in a cage and leave the house for 8 hours. Duh, even I know that!
5. I like drinking gin and juice until the wee hours of the morning. And I like playing Rockband with the TV volume turned up to 80.
6. I like my relationship with my husband just the way it is. I like that most days we are happy and blissful. But when we aren't blissful, it's down right nasty. I don't want a kid involved in that! And I also don't want to give it up. Sometimes I like to fight damn it!

I'll keep being the auntie. And I'll keep getting excited with each baby that is born into my life. And I will treasure those babies as they grow to be toddlers, kiddos, pre-teens, teenagers, young adults and hopefully adults.

Yes, a part of me does get sad that I'm not into the baby making scene. It's not that I'm sad I'm not having babies... it's that I'm sad that I don't want those things. It is what it is.

And you know what... tomorrow may be the 1 out of 10 days that I change my mind about not wanting babies and I'll want to be a mother. But for now, MOST days I don't want to have kids.

Admitting Defeat

While I was wandering aimlessly through Cub this past weekend I noticed a girl who was about 17-19 years old. She was tall, slim, and fairly pretty. But those features were not what I noticed first. The first thing that drew my attention was the single color random tattoo across one half of her face.

As the super judgemental person I am, my first thought was, "How could she have admitted defeat so early?!" I mean seriously, she couldn't have been older than 20 years old and she has marked up her face with permanent ink. She would not be taken seriously by most of Corporate America, as well as most blue collar employers. Cripes, she's probably not even taken seriously by the people in her life.

And I felt badly for her. How terrible was her life that she admitted defeat and gave up on a future at such a young age? Was she really destined to be a failure? Was her past, and her upbringing so terrible that she could not triumph in life?

Then I thought about my own life, and my own failures. I thought about how often I admit defeat and how quickly I give up. Why is it that my marriage is worth fighting for (saying "I do" is definitely NOT admitting defeat)? What is it about having an active lifestyle that I have such a hard time staying on top of? Why am I so freaking hard on myself (Mother Freaking Self-hater?)?

I don't like to admit defeat. I don't have to give up on myself, or my friends and family. I am happy to wake up each morning and try, try again. Losing sucks, so I'm not going to lose to myself!

What did you do?

Recently I went away on a romantic weekend with my husband. We badly needed some time together as he had just finished working 80+ hours a week during the Tax Season. We decided to take a short road trip to Duluth, MN. We got a couple of recommendations on places to stay and eat, and things to do.



So when I got back to work on Monday morning, my coworkers wanted to know what we "did". I couldn't tell them what we actually did because it wasn't work appropriate. So my answer was "We just hung out, and relaxed." This was not a sufficient answer and I was pressed for more details. I sort of laughed and said, "No really, we just relaxed. We took a weekend away, just the two of us. It was nice". The response was looks of irritation and disapointment. As if the report of my weekend was going to get them out of a case of the MUN-days.

But, just to prove that we actually did stuff in Duluth, I am providing a top ten list of things we did over the weekend. Had I not engaged my verbal filter, my coworkers would have learned that:

1. We had sex... Quick "let's just do it" sex and slow "let's take our time" sex.
2. We drank a lot of alcohol and ate some tasty foods.
3. We had sex.
4. We played cards (rummy, speed, crazy 8's) and a board game called "Let's F*ck".
5. We had sex.
6. We visited the zoo.
7. We got kicked out of a bar (okay, just I got kicked out, but he gathered my belongings for me)
8. We had sex.
9. We played shuffleboard!!!
10. We had sex!

Now really... would that have made those pesky coworkers happy???

An Anniversary

Yesterday was an anniversary. It wasn't a happy anniversary dotted with gifts and cake. It wasn't even a proud anniversary to celebrate sobriety, or renewal. It wasn't a sad anniversary, like the loss of a World Series game. Or even a mournful anniversary of a death.

April 22nd is the anniversary of a heart attack. A mighty strong man did not have a strong heart, and it gave out on April 22nd, 2008.

Gerald is the father of Amy, who is a close friend of mine. He was a loving husband, smart farmer, and stubborn German to boot. His smile could melt your heart, and his hugs could crush your ribs. He was a man of pride and respect.

One of my favorite memories of Gerald actually involves a boa!!! Brian and I had been dating for about 2 years when we went to Iowa City for the Hawkeye vs. Badger game at Kinnick. We spent the day with Amy and her brother in law. At the end of the game we drove back to Denver, IA (the mile WIDE city). Amy's parents were at the Whiskey Junction where we met with them and others for dinner and drinks. I had met Amy's family a few times and knew them well. Brian, on the other hand, was still new at getting to know the family.

It took Gerald about 15 minutes to corner Brian and ask him what his intentions were with me. Poor Brian was like a deer in the headlights. Here he was, enjoying an ice cold beer and minding his own business when a near stranger approaches him to ask if he is going to marry me. Gerald absolutely loved watching Brian squirm under this interrogation! And I loved it too!

That night, Gerald wore my Hawkeye boa. And he laughed, he played cards, and he danced with his wife. Gerald lived life happily and fully. He passed away on May 4th. Never recovering from the effects of his heart attack. It's almost as though we lost him twice. I'm thankful for knowing him, and for still knowing his family today.



Here's to you Gerald... "When they built you brother, they broke the mold" (Bruce Springsteen, Terry's Song)

Follower!

Holy shit! I have a follower!!! Someone has decided that she wants to declare to the world that my writing is worth reading. I'm, uh, what's the word here... amazed!!!

I think the thing that most excites me about having my first follower is that she's not A) my sister B) a complete stranger or C) a mean person. In fact, my first follower is someone who at one point in my life was my closest friend. She was my "twin". She was that person that always understood my goofy-ness, and in fact, joined in on my crazy adventures.

It's been a while since I had been in contact with her. A while, being 10+ years!!! But through technology (okay, just Facebook), we reconnected. And while I am excited to have her in my life again, I am not at all surprised that I quite enjoy it. She saw me through some pretty rough stuff as a kid. She helped me play tricks on neighbor kids that didn't deserve it. She helped me laugh myself through scary nights. And I'm happy that we have found a way to re-connect.

We'll go out on the town with boas soon enough. We'll raise glasses to memories and toast the future. Because truly, everything is better with a boa!

Quick Intro...

It's true... everything is better with a boa. Wearing a boa is like wearing fun! And who doesn't want to dress in fun?! Boas are funky, exciting, sexy, and silly. You put one on and feel ready to go!


A very good friend once said, "Oh my God it's a boa! Pick it up! It's a boa". Her excitement still puts a smile on my face! For crying out loud... if you see a boa, pick it up! Put on a little fun!